Do you like, read my mind and then write your posts? With my three kids now I've started to feel exactly this way, that not everything is possible in a way, and that I'm called to certain things while others may not be in store for me, after all.
Gina, YES. Ghost ships are haunting me at every turn. Which isn’t to say I don’t like the ship I’m on—I do! But it’s strange to have only one life to live, I suppose. But when I’m feeling very wanderlusty I remember how many expected ports I’ve visited lately and remind myself how many voyages there are ahead.
Really feel this as well, Gina. I've been feeling nostalgic this year for 'back to school' - to student days when the academic world, and more generally, my whole life lay ahead of me. That feeling of 'i can be anyone, do anything ' is largely gone but then I'm reminding myself of the many many choices and opportunities that still lie ahead in this next phase of life.. even if many of the 'big' choices have been made.
I am content and happy in my vocation and how our lives are going but there are always those "what if?" questions. There's a line in the book I'm reading (set in Oxford) when an older professor basically says "oh to be young with nothing but possibility!' and the narrator can only feel how angsty and unsettled he is-- he says that's "an old man's dream". I think that is also true. I don't miss my 20s -- as much as it was filled with possibility it was also filled with angst and uncertainty.
It's kind of like that feeling I get of wishing I could have been my mom of 2 self (experience wise etc) when I was mom to 1. I wish I could have the appreciation for free time and understand the uniqueness of that time of possibility back in my twenties! What I wouldn't give for a semester of study -- whole afternoons in the library! Can you imagine? Sounds so dreamy now! How much of that time did I waste with worry or procrastination etc etc?
I think also of this Sylvia Plath quote a lot --
"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."
Anyway! Lots of think about. I love this image of the ghost ships.
Yes, I completely agree that this phase is much better than my 20s, when I was pretty insecure and felt quite listless, not much sense of purpose, etc. My mum often comments how much happier she sees that I am now as a wife/mum - not in the sense of seeming externally "happy" all the time, but just that I'm much more rooted, sure of myself, etc., and that is an important part of enduring happiness.
I also find myself now looking back at when I had "only" 2 kids, and thinking, wow, things were pretty chill back then! But I know I also felt that way when I went from 1 to 2, and from 0 to 1, and I wish I had just savoured the uniqueness of those phases. Alas, that's what it is to be human! We are practically incapable of fully appreciating what we have in any given moment.
Wow all of this really resonated with me. I am a (reluctant) PhD student and happy first time mom of a 4 month old. As I stay awake late at night, when baby finally went to bed, to supposedly work on my PhD but, more often than not, read my emails, substacks, and purchase things online, I can't help but think how easy I had it when I was a student before I got married and, later, when I was married but not yet a mom. So much time in my hands, so much of it wasted.
Before I read this essay I was thinking of something to write my first substack post about (I don't even think I should start it, but I've been craving it?), and I thought about the concept of the counterfactual in epidemiology, which is essentially the same as the ghost ships and we use in research to infer causality. We'll see if I ever write in a coherent enough way to publish into the internet abyss.
Anyways, the talk about the lives not lived made me think about The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, which explores exactly this topic.
oooh interesting, my very best friend got her PhD in epidemiology and has tried to explain her interest in causality to me (not that I understood much!). Would love to read if you decide to write it!
What a great piece with lots to think about. I've had many thoughts along these lines lately but you've given me some interesting tangents and branches to ponder.
Thank you so much! I'm glad it brought you some relief. I totally relate to your point about insomnia and the desire for control - that is absolutely the root of my sleep problems too.
Do you like, read my mind and then write your posts? With my three kids now I've started to feel exactly this way, that not everything is possible in a way, and that I'm called to certain things while others may not be in store for me, after all.
Gina, YES. Ghost ships are haunting me at every turn. Which isn’t to say I don’t like the ship I’m on—I do! But it’s strange to have only one life to live, I suppose. But when I’m feeling very wanderlusty I remember how many expected ports I’ve visited lately and remind myself how many voyages there are ahead.
"it's strange to have only one life to live" - oof, yes.
Beautiful words! I can't help but think how this speaks to many on their fertility journeys, as well. Thanks for sharing, Gina!
Really feel this as well, Gina. I've been feeling nostalgic this year for 'back to school' - to student days when the academic world, and more generally, my whole life lay ahead of me. That feeling of 'i can be anyone, do anything ' is largely gone but then I'm reminding myself of the many many choices and opportunities that still lie ahead in this next phase of life.. even if many of the 'big' choices have been made.
I am content and happy in my vocation and how our lives are going but there are always those "what if?" questions. There's a line in the book I'm reading (set in Oxford) when an older professor basically says "oh to be young with nothing but possibility!' and the narrator can only feel how angsty and unsettled he is-- he says that's "an old man's dream". I think that is also true. I don't miss my 20s -- as much as it was filled with possibility it was also filled with angst and uncertainty.
It's kind of like that feeling I get of wishing I could have been my mom of 2 self (experience wise etc) when I was mom to 1. I wish I could have the appreciation for free time and understand the uniqueness of that time of possibility back in my twenties! What I wouldn't give for a semester of study -- whole afternoons in the library! Can you imagine? Sounds so dreamy now! How much of that time did I waste with worry or procrastination etc etc?
I think also of this Sylvia Plath quote a lot --
"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."
Anyway! Lots of think about. I love this image of the ghost ships.
Yes, I completely agree that this phase is much better than my 20s, when I was pretty insecure and felt quite listless, not much sense of purpose, etc. My mum often comments how much happier she sees that I am now as a wife/mum - not in the sense of seeming externally "happy" all the time, but just that I'm much more rooted, sure of myself, etc., and that is an important part of enduring happiness.
I also find myself now looking back at when I had "only" 2 kids, and thinking, wow, things were pretty chill back then! But I know I also felt that way when I went from 1 to 2, and from 0 to 1, and I wish I had just savoured the uniqueness of those phases. Alas, that's what it is to be human! We are practically incapable of fully appreciating what we have in any given moment.
Wow all of this really resonated with me. I am a (reluctant) PhD student and happy first time mom of a 4 month old. As I stay awake late at night, when baby finally went to bed, to supposedly work on my PhD but, more often than not, read my emails, substacks, and purchase things online, I can't help but think how easy I had it when I was a student before I got married and, later, when I was married but not yet a mom. So much time in my hands, so much of it wasted.
Before I read this essay I was thinking of something to write my first substack post about (I don't even think I should start it, but I've been craving it?), and I thought about the concept of the counterfactual in epidemiology, which is essentially the same as the ghost ships and we use in research to infer causality. We'll see if I ever write in a coherent enough way to publish into the internet abyss.
Anyways, the talk about the lives not lived made me think about The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, which explores exactly this topic.
oooh interesting, my very best friend got her PhD in epidemiology and has tried to explain her interest in causality to me (not that I understood much!). Would love to read if you decide to write it!
What a great piece with lots to think about. I've had many thoughts along these lines lately but you've given me some interesting tangents and branches to ponder.
Thanks so much!
Loved this! I’m sharing it in my newsletter today because it was such a sigh of relief. ❤️
Thank you so much! I'm glad it brought you some relief. I totally relate to your point about insomnia and the desire for control - that is absolutely the root of my sleep problems too.