Bonjour, and welcome to the final part in my Bringing up bébé(s): 5 years later series (find part 1 and part 2 here). I’ll be writing one more post for paid subscribers, including more personal reflections and sharing some of my family’s experiences. Let’s get straight to it, since this is a long one!
Discipline
Discipline is such a touchy subject these days, with parents made to feel that if they get this even slightly wrong, they risk either permanently traumatising their child or else turning them into codependent, boundary-less (wo)man-children. I could write another whole post on my frustrations with the so-called “gentle parenting” movement, which like so many other things, has lost any real meaning yet is still used as a tool to shame parents for doing it wrong. I definitely see some of this stuff at play in the French parenting I have observed, and I think this is one area where things have likely changed quite a bit since the book was published 12 years ago, thanks to social media parenting gurus.
That said, Druckerman praises the authority of the French parent versus the Anglo parent, and I have to concur with both her observation and her approval of the phenomenon. For French parents, there is no question that the parent is the boss. You will not catch a French parent negotiating with a 3 year old screaming because they don’t want to leave the park, or because they don’t like what’s for dinner. She mentions the phrases “c’est moi qui décide” (“it’s me who decides”) and “tu n’a pas le choix” (“you don’t have a choice”), and these are phrases you are bound to overhear if you hang around outside preschool or at the park for long enough. They are said without anger, without yelling, but with absolute conviction that this is an immutable truth.
This isn’t to say that comfort isn’t offered, but it’s more of a “there, there, let’s have a quick hug and move on with our day” type affair than “I know this is so hard for you sweetie, you wanted to stay at the park and mama said it’s time to go home. It’s hard when we don’t get what we want, huh?” The mentality seems to be, kids are going to get upset sometimes and there’s no need to punish them for it but there’s also no need to indulge it; being upset is a part of life, and learning how to handle it without drama will make life more pleasant for everyone.
Druckerman also mentions that la fessée - the spank - is more acceptable in French parenting culture, although even at the time of writing, she said it was on the decline and that it was no longer advised. I would confidently guess that there has been a continued decline in the practice - in fact, any form of corporal punishment (as well as psychological abuse, but that’s obviously harder to define) is illegal. Nonetheless, I think there’s less pearl clutching about it here, and I have on occasion heard a parent or grandparent threaten la fessée.
Éducation
You might think, “Gina, why did you feel the need to put the little accent above the ‘e’ when obviously we know that éducation means education?” Well, it does and it doesn’t. In English, if we talk about a child’s “education” we are probably referring to what they’re learning in terms of knowledge acquired. In French, it sometimes has more of a connotation of “learning how to be a person in society”. It includes stuff like manners, appropriate behaviour, respect for others, and so on.
When my kids started maternelle, we received a booklet that explained that the goal of maternelle (ages 3-6) is to teach kids that they are not alone in the world; that they have to share time, space, and resources with others. They should learn to wait their turn, to share toys with other children, to understand that the teacher is there for everybody. Although they learn some basic academics like letters and counting, this is largely play-based and not considered the priority (although teachers will flag it if they notice that a child is struggling in these areas). Ultimately, by the time they graduate from maternelle and begin élémentaire, they should be fairly autonomous, and be able to behave in a way that is not disruptive.
So far, we have had a good experience with the school system; our two older children have been happy, have made lots of friends, and have liked their teachers. However, I have heard that the system is not well equipped to support children with additional needs, and I have observed that kids who struggle to “behave” are quickly identified as troublemakers. It’s my impression that more generally in France, there is less awareness of neurodiversity, and there are probably some pretty old fashioned - and harmful - attitudes towards kids who don’t fit the mould. In fact, one of the very few instances in which permission is granted to homeschool is if the child has a diagnosed cognitive disability. Given how stringent homeschooling laws are, this seems like a tacit admission that schools are not able to support these kids.
Maternelle still seems like a lot to me. My middle child was only 2 when he started, as you begin in the calendar year you turn 3, and there he was in a class of 25 kids, with only one teacher and one classroom assistant. The school day is long - 8.30 to 4.30 - and although the little ones basically nap from lunch until home time1, it’s a long time to be in a pretty institutional environment. I also get the impression that recess is bit of a jungle - all the kids are let loose and there isn’t a lot of adult oversight. Of course, there are adults there who are available if needed, but they don’t seem to get involved unless called upon. My kids routinely come home and tell me that someone pushed them over or hit them or threw dirt at them, and this just seems to be an accepted norm of child playground behaviour.
After three years of experience with it, I do think there are a lot of positives - kids seem to thrive on the significant amount of freedom they have at school, and they’ve gained a lot of social confidence (both of my bigger kids are naturally pretty shy). They do all kinds of cool projects - art studies, cooking, theatre, gardening - and they look forward to going to school most of the time. For as long as they are happy, I’m happy to enjoy a system that provides full-time, free childcare from 2-3 years of age. At the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling a little pang each time I drop them off and watch them go through the doors and down the corridor, so small to be in such a big building among so many other kids.
Autonomy
I think autonomy is perhaps the thread that runs through French attitudes to childrearing and parenthood. Autonomy for the child(ren) and the parents is paramount. If each member of the family is autonomous (obviously age permitting), spending time together becomes more enjoyable because it’s leisurely, rather than dependant. I think it goes hand-in-hand with the fact that family togetherness is also incredibly important to the French: at least one big family meal at the weekend, weeks spent in the south or the countryside during the summer, big get-togethers for Christmas Eve and New Year and 14 Juillet… these moments are considered incredibly precious and core to the French way of life.
In part 1 and part 2, I outlined how this impacts things like breastfeeding and infant sleep arrangements. Here, I’ll give a few other examples that I’ve observed.
Druckerman mentions in the book that many of her French mum friends/acquaintances don’t let their kids into the parental bedroom without permission. When I was an au pair, the family I worked for had a nice house across three floors (although the first and third floors essentially only had one room each). The parents’ bedroom - or suite would be more accurate, as it had a bathroom and a second living room within the same space - was on the third floor. The kids were not even allowed to set foot on those stairs without invitation, and invitations were only issued once per week for a family movie night.
The mother once explained to me that “this is where we can be husband and wife, instead of mum and dad.” When I write that it sounds awkwardly sexy, but I don’t think it sounded like that when she said it - she just meant that guarding this space (which was very beautiful and well maintained) afforded their marriage a bit of respite. Now, clearly most of us do not have the luxury of a parental suite on its own floor of the house, but I do think the general idea is a good one and in remembering this as part of writing this series, I’ve resolved to spruce up our bedroom a bit, clear out the rogue toys and random crafts, and designate it as a “by invitation only” space. It indicates to the kids that parents have a relationship and an existence that is independent of them, which seems very healthy for everyone concerned.
Another example given in the book is that children go away on school camps for five or six nights, starting when they themselves are only six or seven. I don’t think this is the case at my kids’ school, although I can’t be sure because my oldest only just turned six. However, it is true that field trips and activities of various kinds start in the first year of maternelle (age 2 or 3). Both of my kids had a half day outing to the cinema at that age, and full day trips to a farm and a theme park. This year, my daughter had weekly swimming lessons with school during one semester, which involved getting on a bus and going to a sports centre. In the school holidays, there is the option to send them on multiple night trips to other parts of France, although I’m not aware of any kids who have done this.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that it’s very common (I’d say at least 50%) for kids to spend extended periods of time at their grandparents’ homes without their parents. In the summer, this could easily be 4 weeks. This is considered to be a win-win-win: children get a long stretch of time to be indulged by their grandparents; grandparents get to spend meaningful time with their grandchildren; and parents get some breathing space. I think for most Anglo parents (myself included), this is pretty unthinkable. The idea of sending our kids away for that long, even with the most trusted grandparents, seems extreme and kind of sad - not to mention how grandparents might feel about it.
But I think this is a good example of how cultural norms impact our perception of what is good/right/appropriate. It’s just not a part of Anglo parenting culture, but it’s so normal here that neither parents, grandparents, nor children think anything of it. I’m sure kids miss their parents and vice versa, but it’s also seen as a good thing for kids to exist in a different space, with different people, different activities, and different expectations. It helps them to feel autonomous from their parents.
Final thoughts
I could go on and on about this, but I want to wrap up with some final thoughts and comments.
Druckerman’s book definitely captures something real and true about French parenting, but of course, there is a huge amount of variation. By no means do all parents do things the same way, and as time goes in, I imagine there’s more and more diversity in parenting style.
Relatedly, Druckerman is clearly talking about a particular type of French parent, namely the white, middle class ones. France has significant North and West African populations, as well as a lot of Portuguese, Filipino, and Chinese communities (and many others too). These groups don’t even get a look in. She sometimes makes comments like “the further you get from Paris, the fatter people get”, but otherwise she doesn’t really acknowledge her observations are by no means universal.
By default, Parisian parents are probably wealthy, a) because living in Paris is so expensive and b) most people who choose to live in Paris do so because that’s where the best paid jobs are. If she had done her pseudo-anthropological study in the suburbs, the countryside, or another city, she would have reached different conclusions.This isn’t especially related to the book, but I feel like I ought to say it. There is a stereotype that French people are rude and unfriendly to outsiders, but this has not been my experience at all. I have had an overwhelmingly positive experience of the French, and feel more integrated into French society than I ever imagined I would. That is probably in large part because we live in a suburb with a very high population of immigrants, of Black and brown people, of Muslims - all groups who are used to feeling like they aren’t fully embraced in French culture and society, and are therefore disposed to be kinder to other “outsiders”. The fact that I’m white, slim, and speak decent French probably helps, too. Nonetheless, I want to be fair and acknowledge that I haven’t experienced the notorious French snobbery and disdain of foreigners, except occasionally in the healthcare system.
Raising your kids in a foreign culture definitely has its challenges, but overall it has been a really positive experience for me. It’s given me a lot of perspective, and helped me to shed the idea that a particular approach to parenting is objectively better than another. Drawing on both French and Anglophone parenting ideas, as well as West African approaches introduced by my husband’s side of the family, has given me confidence to do what really works for us. I’m happy to take what I like from each tradition and let go of the rest.
Thank you for reading this series. It has been so much fun for me to write, and I’ve really enjoyed chatting with some of you in the comments and by email. I hope it’s been fun and interesting to read, and maybe even given you some news ideas for your own parenting.
Gros bisous à tous,
Gina
In the first year of maternelle, kids can go home at 11.30, but this option does not seem to be used by many people. Throughout school, it’s possible to go home for lunch, which is about 1hr45. About 20% of kids do this.
Loved this series, Gina, and the great balance of personal insights into how this all actually plays out 'on the ground.' I enjoyed 'bebe' when I read it the first time though I did come away with what I now see was a rather narrow view of French parenting. I think overall what I really admire about this general parenting attitude is the emphasis on autonomy, for both the kids and the parents, as I think this probably fosters a lot of healthy dynamics with older kids and ultimately parents and adult children. And just a lot less hand-wringing and worrying about damaging the kids with every word, etc, oof. And I'm with the French parents here - Mom's in charge, sorry not sorry :)
Thanks for this series--I’ve really enjoyed reading it. I admire the French emphasis on autonomy. I think one reason that it North America it’s incredibly hard to give even older kids independence is due to the pattern of development, which is extremely car dependent. Where I grew up (and I’d say this is quite a common experience ), you could not get anywhere without a car, not even a park. There were simply houses in every direction and then eventually you reached roads that were too busy to walk or cycle on and did not have lanes for cyclists or pedestrians. I really envied the kids who lived in town and could walk to school, the corner market, etc. so it just goes to show how even something like urban design affects the way we parent.