Letting your kids watch TV makes you a good parent

File under: Gina's hot takes

As the years of parenting go by, I care decreasingly what the “guidelines” say, and more about what actually works for our family and keeps things chugging along more or less smoothly over here. As such, I am here to share my thought about TV (not “screens” generally, as that is much more complicated and my kids aren’t at the ages where other types of screen have really come into the picture). My basic premise is that sticking my kids in front of the TV isn’t the thing I do as a parent that makes me feel most proud and satisfied, but it is sometimes, even often, a really useful option that can help me to parent better in other ways. (I’ll caveat by saying that if you don’t let your kids watch TV because you’ve observed that it negatively affects them/the family dynamic/whatever, then obviously the sensible thing to do is limit access to the TV.)

What I object to is the vague, nebulous idea that anything more than very occasional TV is bad for kids, and that parents should avoid using it as a “crutch” at all costs. Because here’s the thing - the cost is often a very stressed and overwhelmed mum, a parent yelling at their kids because they (the parent) are so overstimulated and can’t catch a break, or even situations that are actually dangerous like small children pulling on legs and getting in the way while a parent is handling hot dishes and opening ovens and carrying a kettle of boiling water.

A first-time-mother in a group I’m in on Facebook posted several times about her and her husband’s decision not to let their toddler have any access to any screens. That same mum also kept posting about how ragey she was feeling, about how she kept screaming at her toddler because he wouldn’t nap and she was pregnant and exhausted and he was demanding her constant attention. Gently, I (and a bunch of other mums) said: Any benefit you think your toddler is getting from never seeing a screen, is being cancelled out by you being so stressed and tired that you are regularly screaming at him. Just snuggle on the couch with him and stick on some Bluey, and shut your eyes for 30 minutes while he watches. You will both be much happier.

This poor woman and her child came to symbolise to me the absurdity of the villainisation of TV. Parents - and let’s be honest, especially mothers - have been made to feel like letting their kids watch TV regularly is an indicator of poor parenting: at best, a disregard for their imagination and creativity, at worst, a form of neglect. Of course, there are contexts in which it can be poor parenting, but that can be said of almost anything. And flipped the other way - not letting your kids watch TV doesn’t necessarily make you a good parent, or a better parent than the ones whose kids routinely watch TV.

For the most part, letting kids watch TV is not a key part of a grand vision for their childhoods, or the thing we think they ought to do more of. But often, it is just realistic; it is recognising that you are limited and that using TV as a tool can create more bandwidth for you to be available to your kids, your spouse, and yourself. I am almost always on my own with the kids from when they get home from school until they go to bed, and during that time I have many things to juggle. Could I do those things without turning on the TV? Sure, but I would be frazzled and frantic and snappy and less able to enjoy my children.

One of our TV oriented traditions is to watch the movie version of Ezra Jack Keats’ Snowy Day on the first snow of the season. Delightful and cosy.

Of course, if your family circumstances mean that you are able to lead a TV-free life with ease then great! Good for you! Like I said, I think most parents would prefer their kids not to watch too much TV if they were in a position to have the help, resources, space, support, or whatever available to them that would mean that TV didn’t seem like the best option. But we are all constantly weighing things up: sometimes I give my kids cereal for dinner so that I don’t have to cook, and then I don’t have to worry about the toddler getting in harm’s way while I boil and sauté, or the older kids throttling each other, so on those days I might not feel the need to make the use of TV. At the weekends when my husband is around, he often takes the kids out to the park while I cook or we decide to order food so that we can do something as a family. I am not a better parent on those days, I just have more resources available to me.

I also see a valuable lesson in flexibility and not holding ourselves to impossible standards by letting the kids watch some TV while I cook/send emails/rest/whatever. It’s good to have a vision for how you want your family life to look, and the things that you do and don’t want to be included in that, but it shouldn’t become a rod for your back. Sometimes I tell my kids explicitly “I’m going to let you have some extra TV time because I need some calm” - they’re learning that it’s ok to bend the rules to make life more manageable. It’s also helpful to remember that some seasons of life are just more demanding than others. Against conventional wisdom, I have tended to rely on the TV more when my kids are very little and find it harder to entertain themselves, than when they reach around 3-4 and can reliably amuse themselves with an art project/a stack of books/an empty cardboard box for an extended period of time.

My friend Sofia, a mother of four, lost her mum suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 11, and so has a particularly acute appreciation of the value of the mere presence of a loving mother. She once said to me that she couldn’t understand why people got so worked up about TV, because a child who is watching TV while their mother tends to them in other ways is already a child who has much of what they need. Most of the rest of it is just details.

I’m not saying that there’s no reason to be intentional about your values when raising children, or that we shouldn’t think carefully about what works best for your particular family’s dynamic and circumstances. But I am saying there’s no point in making rules that render your life more difficult if they aren’t actually serving you. Kids are endlessly and instinctively creative, versatile creatures, and I promise you that watching Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol is not going to smother their imagination or intelligence. There is still plenty of room for the other stuff that you believe will be more nourishing and enriching for their little minds.

And while it is true that I generally don’t think of TV as part of my top game parenting, or as something I want to form the core of my kids’ childhoods, it can be truly positive. Sometimes I hear my kids roar with laughter at something they’re watching, and I think why would I begrudge them that? Family movie nights are another obvious example of a time when TV can be a delightful affair, forming those good ole’ core memories. And perhaps your kids play together charmingly all the time, but my older two are often at each other’s throats, with very different ideas about what makes for a fun game or how they want the other to be involved. Watching a show or movie that they both enjoy can be a really sweet bonding time for them, and they are often calmer and kinder with each other after having sat down together for some low pressure sibling time.

So, this is my TV manifesto. If you are happily TV free, then I applaud you, truly. I envy you, even. I think most parents, though, let their kids watch TV because they need the respite, and then feel guilty about it. I want to say: you are probably using TV because you are a good parent; because you know your limits; you recognise that help sometimes comes in the form of cartoons; and I bet the reason you need that help is because you are trying to create a safe home and happy childhood for your kids on other fronts, whether that is by working, cooking, cleaning, taking the time you need to reset, or whatever. That’s my hot take. Letting your kids watch TV makes you a good parent.