Baby or no baby?

Spousal disagreement about welcoming another child

Disclaimers:

1. I know this post overlooks people struggling with infertility. A couple of people I spoke to mentioned that this topic also pertains to adoption and other choices adjacent to dealing with infertility. I’m not including those in this post because it’s not my experience, but please know that I’m aware that the decision about whether or not to have another baby is not so straightforward for many.

2. Not everyone who responded to my questions for this post is Catholic, and not everyone practises NFP. I don’t think that undermines the content, but I wanted to be clear that not everyone who contributed shares the same understanding of family planning. (I wrote about my own relationship with NFP here.)

There are a thousand ways in which Catholic social media can leave its consumers wondering if they are the only one dealing with X, Y, or Z difficulty. Are we the only family who doesn’t even try to say a daily rosary together? Am I the only mother who yells at her children every time I attempt a liturgical craft? Why can’t I persuade my husband to let me name my child Athanasius or Faustina or Casimir or Annunziata?! (Seriously, I will not rest in peace until someone I know personally names their child Annunziata.)

As the only practising Catholic in my marriage, these feelings are intensified. The responsibility of raising my kids in the faith and living out Catholic values rests almost entirely on me. There are ways in which this is a gift - it means I have a blank slate on which I can set out my own priorities and preferences when deciding how to nurture the Catholic faith in my home - but it certainly feels like a burden a lot of the time. One of the things that can feel most isolating in both my marriage and online is the sense that Catholic couples united in their faith are always on the same page about family planning, whereas my husband and I have different ideals regarding the future of our family.

When I polled people on this topic on my Instagram, I discovered that I’m very much not alone. Although only 15% of people answered “no” to the question “Are you and your spouse currently in agreement about whether you are seeking or avoiding pregnancy?”, 63% answered “yes” to the question “Has there been a time in your marriage when a difference of opinion about growing your family caused hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, etc.?” (I have unhelpfully lost the number of people who responded, but I think it was around 100). Some respondents specified that a difference in faith was part of the disagreement, but the majority were couples in which both spouses are practising Catholics.